The first ramble

When you Google my name, nothing interesting comes up. This is my own fault because all of my internet habits are under fake names, but it still makes me think that I'm not doing enough with my life. I think that is the worst way anyone could ever feel. But let's take a look at what I'm doing right now: at home in my apartment alone because I didn't want to go out, writing in a blog I will never show to anyone I know and will probably forget the password to in a few years, in a grammatical format that does not keep readers interested, and honestly I can't remember how I was going to finish this sentence anyway.

I am doing nothing with my life. I am a full time college student, I have a job, a boyfriend, a best friend, a loving mother, a few girls I hang out with, a list of movies to watch and a longer list of "things I'm going to do." I have a desk covered in art supplies just waiting for me to get off my ass and make something. The floor to my left is covered with paintings I started three years ago and still haven't finished. In front of me are four piles of VHS tapes I bought at Goodwill. Many of them I haven't seen yet. I have many talents, I spend no time cultivating them. I have many interests, I spend no time cultivating them. I take classes within a major that I have known I would pursue since I was eight- I find little joy in it.

When revisiting places I've seen for the first time after 2007, I do not notice the beauty of them until the third of fourth time around. I do not want to live my life this way. I do not want to "live my life," I just want to be. I am a dreamer. The pressure of being expected to fulfill all the wonderful things I've imagined for myself... I do not think that I can own up to it. I cannot tell if dropping out of college would be failure or the first step towards real happiness. I am scared that real happiness is just for fools. That was very cliche. According to my roommate Nate, what is even more cliche is wanting to leave everything behind to live on a farm. He says that society must be pretty messed up now if it creates people who just want to get out of it, but cannot.

If I dropped out of school I could:

Work full time at the South Philly doctor's office
Take voice lessons from Josepha
Actually have to time practice
Research famous teachers in NYC
Take lessons from them
Pester the Guy At The Hardware Store on Ritner about projects
Visit the dump for broken furniture bits
Make furniture out of it
Sell furniture at stores
Finish one old painting a week
Finally finish my paper mache Love Bird for Scotty
Record another song like "It's Raining In Japan"
Make enough money to buy a recording system
Organize the shit in the basement for a yardsale
Set up a trip to Italy!!
Hangout with Gabby
Take Scotty out to Osteria
Go on a road trip
Visit Dad in Mexico
Help Mom with her garden
Try to make a list of every movie I've ever seen
Try to make a list of every book I've ever read
Illustrate a book of Gabby's poems
Call Jacklyn
Read all the books I own
Go to Spain
Find obscure tonadillas in a Spanish library
Sew little wings on the back of all my clothes
Make a rag rug out of my sheets from when dad lived in Harrisburg
Plant the garden I've always dreamed about
Make a movie with Gabby
Learn how to do stop animation
Buy her mom a pair of Manolos
Help Scotty cover his bass drum with beer caps
Teach him to hang up his towel
Cuddle until covered in bedsores
Take a bath every day
Save up enough money to move into my own place
Save up enough money to buy my own place
Live in spain
Live in puerto rico
Take a class in welding
Frame all my great-grandads papers and drawings
Visit Grammy every other weekend
Bake more pies
Bake a savory pie
Stay up all night painting with Molly in her red, red room
Cuddle with Agatha and Christy
Play four square on Sundays
Make candelabras out of the bike wheels crowding up my room......



AIM